The last few days have been some of the hardest for me, since coming back from Minnesota. My anxiety has been overwhelming, leading to very little sleep, bad dreams, and long nights. Fortunately for me, I am mostly able to be safe inside the makeshift canopy of bed space that William created so he could sleep during the days, which helps.
Since recognizing that my anxiety comes and goes, I began a series of charting it to figure out if there were any patterns. I did find one particular pattern, which seems unusual, even among internet forums. My anxiety peaks at the point at which I go into ovulation. Perhaps I will explain more about this charting later on.
At least knowing this has helped me to know somewhat when and how to prepare for it. I am able to give those closest to me a heads up about what I will be experiencing, eat well, make sure that I am extra certain to take my B vitamins and vitamin D, as well as get extra exercise when I am able too. All of these things make a huge difference when it comes to lessening the impact of an attack.
Perhaps it was the rush of everything that’s been going on, or because I wasn’t as prepared as I have been, but I feel like this time was worse in some ways. Though I can’t always tell that exactly, because when I start to spiral downwards, everything feels extreme.
It always seems to happen between about 10 PM and 1 AM. That’s when the thoughts start to rush in, violently crashing around my self esteem, leaving contusions that sometimes appear and disappear as fast as breath on a pane of glass. The only way I can really describe them accurately is violent, because when I am actually able to get them out onto paper, they appear in vicious words and unnaturally harsh terms.
While it makes me uncomfortable to be quite so honest about some of this, I also feel its beneficial in the long run to write about it both for my benefit and for the benefit of anyone who might be going through something similar. Many who know me don’t quite understand my anxiety, because I seldom let it out. I am still cheery and chipper at work, at the grocery store, even in the majority of emails.
But anxiety doesn’t affect everyone the same way. Just because I smile, or laugh, or sing and dance, it doesn’t mean that I am okay. Dismissing it won’t help, and neither will ignoring it. I am just thankful for those that hold me in their arms when I can’t hold on any longer. ❤
Its a new week. I think I’ve mostly gotten past this last storm, and ready to spend some time being me again. If I could, I would start traveling again, because that’s where my mind is most peaceful. On the open road, with miles of highway to help me process all these thoughts that have built up there.