Written on August 20th, 2014
Tonight, I fell harder than I usually do. I allowed multiple triggers to pull at the barriers I have created, for some reason not heeding the escape mechanisms I usually employ.
Anxiety is like a different language. And sometimes, we want so badly, so badly, to connect with someone, but we have chosen someone who does not understand us. I forgo-ed my instinct to run, or to hide tonight, choosing instead to try and stay. To try and explain, to try to make things better, but it made things worse.
I actually got angry..that’s something that rarely happens. But this anger comes deep rooted in always feeling left out. Always feeling alone. Always wondering why I am the way that I am. Why can’t I just be okay in social settings or with the way other people do things? Why is it hard for me to breath in situations?
I stayed, and I blame myself for the outcome. Because it was selfish of me to remain, and to try to be understood. I know that my rationale becomes more diluted as I fail to communicate, which leads to a never ending cycle.
What is the language of anxiety? Is it something that only those with anxiety can understand? My answer to this would be: Not necessarily. I have had many conversations with others who suffer from anxiety who don’t understand or can’t conceptualize what I am trying to say.
I do my best to communicate through written word, because even in the midst of chaos and confusion, I often have no problem being fluent with written sentences and ideas. They help me to clarify what I most want to say. They help me to release those feelings, to relinquish them to an outside source that can’t accidentally say the wrong thing.
I have common themes when I am anxious. The need to be validated, the need to be held, the need to feel loved and accepted, the need to feel like I am being heard, the need to release. I may say a million things, and may be flustered over a thousand seemingly random things over time, but these all typically hold true.
Expressing these needs in a way that makes sense in the situation, is sometimes the most difficult thing to do.