New Maternal Verses

 

I entered this world

Into the arms of a

Woman

To whom

I was equal parts

blessing

And

curse.

Addicted and ill,

The thrill of a child’s love

Could only break the wall

At the right time.

I, too little

To care for myself,

Was another let down in her

World of resentment-filled-giving.

Through her reactions,

I learned that love was

Only earned

Through tears spilled

Voice strained

into silence

from crying

Mom

mom

mom

While she muttered

Through drunken breath

About how she hated

Her existence;

Alternatively I learned

through the effort

Of lightening this burden,

Her burden of being

Little hands attempting

To wipe windows

Without streaks,

To keep being the best of 3,

Living her dreams,

To make her laugh endlessly.

It didn’t matter though,

Because she still left,

Despite my best efforts.

11 years old

And she never came home.

And when I reunited with her,

She was still gone.

 

Advertisements

More old fiction

Sharing some more old fiction, as I begin to revisit my writing and wonder about its possibilities. Some friends and myself are doing a weekly writing group now, and I’m using it as an opportunity to commit to myself and my passion for words. (Sometimes I have trouble sticking with new things.) Curious to see where it will lead me! Anywho, here’s the beginning of a story I didn’t get too far into. The discipline of writing in the same style can be a stretch for me, and keeping up with the lyrical quality of this opening daunted me.

Bitter taste of memories

Your words sent shivers down my spine. And no, not the good kind. I don’t get threatened by words alone. But the words your mouth possessed scared me.
I don’t know how it came to this. It is all my fault. You said it’s not. You said: It’s not.
But how can I believe you, especially now? What was going on in your head that I couldn’t fix? Why couldn’t I help?
Maybe there was nothing wrong with you.
There’s something wrong with me.

That’s what it feels like at least.
I brush the dirt off my pants as I stand up, and spit onto the pavement. What do I care if it’s not lady like? I used to care. I did. But you showed me a reality. Who am I anyway? Just another body?

My eyes squint as I look up and over towards the road. The cars are passing by, carelessly breaking the limit for speed on the suburban street.
Guess it doesn’t matter that some kid got hit last year. Reality is what you choose to exist.
My jeans have started to slide off my hips, creating an uncomfortable friction against the sweat on my skin. Tugging on the belt loops with my thumbs, I start walking over to my damaged car.

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I had called the cops. See that big dent in the car? That’s where I smashed into a tree, rushing to get to your house. I distracted the paramedics who should have been with you.
Before the tears can brim, I slide in, grabbing my I-pod, hitting shuffle and turning the keys in my ignition. My car is still resounding with an irritating beep because I’ve left the door open.

I turn and look outside at the yard, peaceful. So much unlike the cluttered chaos of my vehicle.
Once, I used to lay there in silence. The crickets could create music. Now they create a reminder. Cold nights climbing the roof of the local elementary school.
A muscle tugs on a smile at the edge of my lips. I let it linger, remembering those nights, before I switch the song and shut the door, savoring the metallic sound that closes me in.